


All of You

by bulma90_13



Category: Actor RPF, Captain America (Movies), Gone (2012), Hot Tub Time Machine (2010), Kings (TV 2009), Law & Order, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Once Upon a Time (TV), Political Animals, The Apparition (2012), The Covenant (2006)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Gen, HYDRA Trash Party, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Mental Instability, POV Steve Rogers, Suicide Attempt, Violence, Where everything is fucked, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 14:53:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8376361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bulma90_13/pseuds/bulma90_13
Summary: In a way, Steve thought, he did get Bucky back.He just got a little more than that. Bucky's abuse by HYDRA has left him with Dissociative Identity Disorder.  Steve takes it upon himself to become his keeper.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Всё в тебе](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9774143) by [Girl_with_Violets](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girl_with_Violets/pseuds/Girl_with_Violets), [WTFStarbucks2017](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WTFStarbucks2017/pseuds/WTFStarbucks2017)
  * Translation into Русский available: [Всё в тебе](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9774143) by [Girl_with_Violets](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Girl_with_Violets/pseuds/Girl_with_Violets), [WTFStarbucks2017](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WTFStarbucks2017/pseuds/WTFStarbucks2017)



> Do yourself a favor and watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOpUSXt5Sas

In a way, Steve thought, he did get Bucky back.

He just got a little more than that.

 

_Dissociative Identity Disorder _, the doctors at the Avengers-Approved asylum told him.__

__Which meant, Bucky was in there._ _

__But so was the Asset. And Sergeant Barnes._ _

__And dozens of other men, women, children and even animals that Steve had never met._ _

__It's because of the trauma, they told him. The electrical brain damage, the psychological torture, the body modification done while he was awake, the fall, the war, the freezing, the unfreezing, the gas-lighting, everything. It had all manifested into different and distinct personalities. It's Bucky's way of coping, they told him._ _

__No cure, they told him. Just treatment. No medications that would help with the “switching.” They kept him sedated almost constantly because he was violent. He attacked everyone. He was constantly confused._ _

__Confinement for life, they told him. He was dangerous. A psychotic super-soldier with suicidal and homicidal tendencies._ _

__So Steve went to Tony._ _

__Explained everything. Told him he deserved better than to be locked up for the rest of his unnaturally long life._ _

__And because Tony is a friend, a good friend, a good friend with a guilty conscience and way too much money and a tendency to overcompensate for everything, Tony built them a house with over 100 rooms in the middle of over 1,000 acres of forest in upstate New York._ _

__Steve quit the team. He had to._ _

__He had to stay home with Bucky. And the Asset. And Sergeant Barnes. And Johnny. And Chris. And Simon. Lance. Will. Andrew.Harry.Walter.LeoScottCharlesClayJosh—_ _

__

__Steve had one room to himself. He knew if he was going to stay sane, he had to at least have that. The house was run on Friday's AI, and it was a Stark House, so the robots took care of the day-to-day tasks._ _

__Steve learned to cook._ _

__Learned how to use the security system on the kitchen cabinets that allowed him access to the knife drawer._ _

__Learned how to change the code of the security system on the kitchen cabinets when the Asset had discovered the code and tried to kill Steve._ _

__But really. It wasn't so bad._ _

__Most of Bucky's personalities were sweet._ _

__The times Bucky spent as each of them varied. Steve wasn't sure what would set off the switch. Sometimes he'd simply wake up someone else. Those days in the beginning were the hardest._ _

__Steve had to introduce himself. Learn about this new person. Have them pick a room in the house. Decorate it._ _

__It was...exhausting. But Bucky had told Steve, once. He'd meant it._ _

__Til the end of the line._ _

__So Steve would sit down with this new person. Whoever they were. He'd look in Bucky's blue eyes and see another person staring back at him. He'd listen. He'd learn. He'd adapt._ _

__

__Today, it was Billy._ _

__Steve liked Billy. He seemed to be a very nice guy. Billy was just consumed with worry about his girlfriend, Jill. He thought she'd been kidnapped. Steve took all of Billy's concerns very seriously, so when Steve was with Billy, they spent hours combing the forest around their house, calling out for Jill, searching through the thick branches for any sign of her._ _

__They never do find her, but Billy really appreciates Steve's help._ _

__

__Steve can rarely sleep. He has to keep a constant watch. So when the Hatter appears...well. Steve finds himself feeling just a little guilty._ _

__The Hatter wants nothing to do with Steve. He just wants to make it work. His hat. Hats. He has three entire full-sized bedrooms devoted to them. And a workshop. When the Hatter appears, Steve knows he can...take a shower. Maybe even nap. The Hatter is not very verbal, but he has never shown Steve any signs of self-harm, so Steve trusts him with his scissors and needles and threads and all sorts of things that the others could never have._ _

__It makes Steve feel a little guilty when the Hatter appears, but sometimes it's the only time he can get a break._ _

__

__Hallucinations are a part of it, they told him. Bucky might see things that aren't really there. Might look down at his metal arm and see flesh. Might even interact with people that aren't really there._ _

__Ben, for example. Ben thinks that he is being haunted. That there is a dark force that is going to drag him to another place._ _

__It's a theme, Steve notices. The idea of being taken to another place. All of Bucky's personalities seem to share this fear in one way or another._ _

__The doctors never told him that, Steve thinks smugly. He figured it out all on his own. So each of them having their own room helps._ _

__He has to start locking them. He only tells the passcode to the personality whose room it is. Steve learned that the hard way._ _

__A young man named Blaine was paranoid about “weirdo commies” living in their house. Even went so far as to give Steve a bloody nose when Steve tried to forcibly remove Blaine from the Asset's bedroom._ _

__Eventually, Steve had to choke Blaine out. Luckily he forgot Steve had done so when he next came around, so he was only slightly hostile until Steve convinced him he wasn't actually a Communist._ _

__

__He could have well over 100 different disassociations, they told him._ _

__Getting most of them to trust him takes years. But Steve is patient._ _

__Just like when Justin tries to tell him that, yes, he's old enough to take a bath on his own. But the last time Steve left Justin alone in the bathroom, he tried to drown himself._ _

__So yes, Steve tells Justin that he knows he's old enough to take a bath on his own, but he likes to help him anyways. Sometimes Justin calls him Dad. Steve just smiles and nods. Justin looks at him like he hung the moon._ _

__And maybe that's where the problem really starts._ _

__Because it goes beyond Steve simply helping all of these different people survive the day. Eat food. Sleep when absolutely necessary. It becomes a relationship. Something Steve looks forward to. He doesn't care who it is when he wakes up because he's starting to care for all of them._ _

__Or perhaps the problem starts when Steve lets Jack have some alcohol. Jack is a soldier, like Steve, so when he told Steve he just needed something to help him sleep, Steve didn't think it would hurt. It's not like alcohol actually affects either of them anymore._ _

__Except that it does affect Jack. He gets drunk, and Steve really doesn't know what to make of that. Maybe it's part of a delusion? It doesn't really matter, because several drinks in, it becomes clear that Jack is going to pass out in Steve's bed and..._ _

__And well, Steve doesn't seem to think it's a problem. He's friends with Jack. They go hunting in the woods sometimes. And if Jack wants to pass out in Steve's bed, he's not going to protest._ _

__

__And really, Steve thinks perhaps he's always been a little gone for Bucky._ _

__The different identities...they are _all_ a part of Bucky, they told him._ _

__So when TJ tells Steve one day that he's in love with him, Steve can honestly say that he loves him back._ _

__And when TJ straddles Steve in his bed and rides him for hours and makes him see stars and come so many times that he starts to worry about things like hydration, he just thinks that this is another way to be close._ _

__He loves the crazy marathon sex he has with TJ as much as he loves being forced face-first into the mattress by Chase who seriously believes that he has magical powers. And when he opens Steve up with his tongue and makes him see stars, who's to say that he doesn't?_ _

__

__Usually, Steve knows who's behind those eyes. The body language. The mannerisms. He's got an eidetic memory and he knows how to use it. He memorizes everything about Bucky's seemingly infinite identities._ _

__But sometimes, he fucks up._ _

__On a very rare occasion, Steve calls him the wrong name._ _

__It usually ends in bloodshed._ _

__But sometimes, it ends it tears._ _

__Other times, it ends before it even begins._ _

__“Why'd you call me Harry, man? Jesus, how drunk are you?” the man says, and Steve pauses. The voice has a different drawl to it. Foreign, perhaps Eastern European. Not a voice Steve has heard before._ _

__Steve just looks at the man who is smiling at him, not a care in the world. He's glad that the man isn't upset that he called him the wrong name, but he was at a severe disadvantage. This man seemed to know him._ _

__“M'not drunk,” Steve replies instead, hoping to keep the other man talking._ _

__“Sure, man. Whatever you say,” the man laughs, a self-deprecating, hollow sound. He looks around the bedroom that Steve called his own. By design, it was nondescript. He didn't want anyone waking up and panicking. “This your room?”_ _

__Steve nods. “Yeah.”_ _

__“It's nice.” The man had a pleasant smile. “But I gotta piss. Where's your bathroom?”_ _

__Steve's chest seizes. He didn't know this new identity. He didn't know if he could trust him alone. But how to explain to a stranger that Steve needed to be in the bathroom with him?_ _

__“Wait, it's not clean!” Steve practically yells, cutting the man off from getting up on his own and investigating the large room himself. Steve's adjoining bathroom is very tidy as a necessity, but there are still plenty of things that this man could hurt himself with. He starts to throw things into the locked cabinets._ _

__The man just walks up behind Steve and pushes him playfully out of the way. “Move, Evans. I don't care if your bathroom is messy.”_ _

__Steve freezes. It isn't many of his identities that see Steve as someone he already knew, but the ones that do were generally more stable so long as Steve didn't disrupt that identity's construct of who Steve was in his head._ _

__Evans, Steve thinks to himself. He can be Evans._ _

__The man just turns his back to Steve and unzips his wrinkled jeans, pissing easily into the toilet bowl after lifting the lid. This personality is pretty self-sufficient. He probably wouldn't need help bathing, either._ _

__Small mercies._ _

__Steve needs more intel. “So...what kind of trouble did we get into last night?” he asks, trying to sound casual._ _

__The man laughs. “That's my line!” He tucks himself back into his jeans and turns to the sink to wash his hands. “Where's your soap?”_ _

__Steve had to lock it away. The Asset had tried to use it as an eye irritant when Steve had turned around._ _

__“Thanks, man,” he says when Steve retrieves the soap from under the locked cabinet. He doesn't make a huge effort to cover the code. Figures this man is most likely not a threat._ _

__

__Sometimes, when he's having a bad episode...when he's spiraling out of control...sometimes, Steve can pull him back from that abyss. Sometimes, Steve can talk him down from hurting himself. When the Hatter blinks and Jefferson opens his eyes with a pair of scissors in his hands, Steve has nearly been too late. But sometimes, Steve can grab him and hold him and listen to him wail about a daughter he doesn't have. Steve lets him bawl into his shirt, gripping tightly at the tear-soaked fabric. Sometimes Steve has to hold his arms out to keep him from hitting himself with his metal arm._ _

__Sometimes, when that happens, Steve tells the Stark House to play their song._ _

__It's a sappy thing, really. But it's true, and Steve, though he can't carry a tune in a bucket, sings it to him._ _

__

___  
**Cause all of me loves all of you**_ _ _

___Love your curves and all your edges_ _ _

___All your perfect imperfections_ _ _

___Give your all to me_ _ _

___I give my all to you_ _ _

___You're my end and my beginning_ _ _

___Even when I lose, I'm winning  
_ _ _

__

__

__And...honest to God, it's the truth. Even when Steve has to reset his jaw because the Asset dislocated it, Steve is just happy the Asset is hitting him and not anyone else. That's a win in his book every damn day of the week._ _

__

__The Avengers still call him, sometimes. They tell him what he's doing is wrong. That it's not healthy. That Bucky belongs in a facility with highly trained staff and super-soldier restraints. That Steve deserves a life._ _

__But Steve just laughs because they don't get it._ _

__Bucky is everything to him._ _

__

__“Stevie...”_ _

__Steve wakes up instantly. He's staring into blue-gray eyes._ _

__Steve smiles. “Hey, Buck.”_ _

__Bucky smiles back, though his eyes are pinched. “How much time we got?” he asks honestly._ _

__“I dunno.” Steve breathes out, grabbing Bucky's hand under the sheet. “But I'm with you til the end of the line.”_ _


End file.
